Hi Kathleen MacKenzie, I’m here for a PET scan. The man at the desk was probably in his 60’s. Salt and pepper hair, a mustache. He seemed like an ordinary guy for Boston. I have no idea what an ordinary guy working in Boston is supposed to look like, but my brain is working overtime these days to make sense of everything and everyone.
The man takes my date of birth before looking up and when he does, he sees me and three other people huddled close behind me. We are a group of people, but I never really looked at it this way. “These are my people”, I say. All of them? He asks. I shook my head to affirm that yes, all of them.
If you are reading this, you are my people too. You have decided to join me on this journey. The journey through full diagnosis and treatment of Metastatic Breast Cancer. My oncologist believes that I am possibly at stage 4, but the bone biopsy that is scheduled for 2/12 will either confirm that or show that it’s a different cancer. Either way, I start Chemotherapy and Immunotherapy on Friday 2/13/26.
Journaling has always been a therapeutic format for me to process thoughts and feelings but it’s also a way for me to put myself out there. Maybe there is someone else out there experiencing this for themselves or for a family member. I want you to know that you are not alone and I will walk with you on your journey for as long as you want me to. Let’s walk this road together for a bit and normalize all the feelings that we are having right now.
Let’s talk about grief. Grief is an emotional, psychological and physical response to significant loss. Typically, people think of grief regarding the death of a loved one, but grief can encompass other profound losses, like health or even relationships.
Grief is a unique journey and personal to whomever is experiencing it and some days it feels like you take two steps forward only to fall behind three the next.
I am still in disbelief/shock. I have my angry days, refusing to think about it days, just want to sleep days, upbeat days, hopeful days, exhausted days, anxious days, how am I going to show up days, but here I am. Am I killing it? Pffffffttt. No, but there is a lot to be said for my stubborn nature and honestly, I think we are all doing the best that we can right now.
I’ve been contemplating the concept of being a warrior, a fighter in my fight against cancer. Like when is the Warrior in me going to step in? Why do we try to live up to this picture that isn’t realistic? Being a Warrior and a Fighter isn’t the same thing as being fearless. You can be a Warrior and shake in your boots at the same time. I heard a saying that I really love: “If you can’t beat the fear, just do it scared”.
In the months and years following the passing of my mom I learned how to manage my grief and stress response by picturing them as actual objects in my metaphorical backpack. I learned to recognize the different stressors in my life and how easy it was for them to all take up residency inside my head. Instead, when I was feeling overwhelmed or just couldn’t handle the ‘load’ I was carrying I would picture my imaginary backpack. I would take everything out and reorganize them in my pack and I would weed out items that ‘didn’t fit’. Over time, this coping skill would just take place in my head and become second nature. What am I willing to carry and at what expense.
Sometimes I joke and will say that I am good at compartmentalizing, when in reality?
I WAS good at it, and then I got some unexpected news, and all those little doors? The little doors to the compartments I have jam packed and closed off? They blew right off the hinges. It has taken me a few weeks to recognize these feelings as fear and not the loss of the strong and independent woman that I am. I did not ‘lose my power’, no matter what my brain says. I am a force to be reckoned with even if it means doing it scared.
Ramblings from a Moxie Girl 